I liked to go on adventures when I was a kid.
I remember one day in particular, when I was absolutely restless, even more than youth usually permits a child to be. Desperate to get out of the house, I collected Bula (my bear), a safari hat, my personal copy of The Essential Calvin and Hobbes, and a red wagon. With Bula in the ruby vehicle behind me and my safari hat sparing my eyes from my sun, I trekked out into the world (the driveway). There was – and still is – this gazebo in a field of grass down the road from my house, and that’s where I would venture too for an escape. Once there, I would park in the grass, get situated inside my wagon, and read comics with my bear. And that usually made me feel better, a little less restless, thus concluding the adventure.
This memory struck me today when I was in the process of rushing out of my apartment, about to drive in order to keep the anxiety at bay. But déjà vu completely stopped me in my tracks, and it suddenly dawned on me that I’ve been going on the same adventures since I was little. I mean, I don’t walk wagons around campus when I need an escape, but I still experience that same intense restlessness that makes me crave detachment from the world. Nowadays, I’ve traded in my wagon for a car, my hat for headphones, and The Essential Calvin and Hobbes for my laptop.
Making that connection made me realize that I’m not so different now, as opposed to when I was ten. I still try to run away from my problems, and I still don’t know how to change that.
I think people want to believe that they go through significant change when they grow up, but the only thing they really grow out of is their clothing.
We say that we’re maturing, breaking bad habits and letting go of past attachments, when in reality, we’re just finding “healthy alternatives”, upgrading our items of comfort and means of escape, so that we can trick ourselves into believing we’re improving, while simultaneously feeding those same needs we claim to have abandoned, those same needs that have been driving us since birth. It’s like going gluten-free, switching to almond milk from 2%, or using nicotine patches instead of smoking cigarettes. You may think you've changed for the better, but you still want the bread/whole milk/cigs, otherwise you wouldn’t be settling for lesser replacements. But at least now you can enjoy bread in a way that lets you not hate yourself as much.
Our need for things that alleviate restlessness will always remain, even when we change our habits of treating it. I haven’t found my healthy alternative for how I like to escape yet. Granted, it’s not like I’m trying to quit drugs or something. I guess for now, I’ll keep to my adventures and my wagon.